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I’m not going to sugar-coat it; postpartum is a tough journey, especially given the expectations put on new mothers. It’s enough having to learn how to care for a new human being plus heal physically, mentally, and emotionally from birth. However, the sad truth about postpartum begins immediately after birth.
The outside pressures that seem to come knocking once the baby is born have become too loud to ignore. When new moms should be focusing on healing and bonding with a new baby, instead, they are inundated with expectations and opinions from others that turn into feelings of shame.
Related: Postpartum Resources: How to Help Yourself Heal
The Sad Truth About Postpartum
In a postpartum-related social media post, I asked new moms, “Why is it hard to ask for help/support during postpartum?” Their answers were heartbreaking.
“Society told us moms have to do it all.”
One mom’s response was, “Because society told us that moms have to do it all. And usually, we have dynamite mothers who we assume have done it all, or some have. We have been made to believe that if you love your child, they will become your whole identity. And that you should be able to do it all without help because that’s what ‘good’ moms do.”
“It’s the wife/mother’s job.”
The sad truth about postpartum stings even more when family members are the ones making ridiculous demands and expectations. Another mom’s response was, “Anytime I vent to family, specifically my mother-in-law, her response is that it’s the wife/mother’s job and basically to suck it up. I could be running on two hours of sleep, cleaning the whole house, doing all the laundry and dishes, taking care of the pets, and taking care of our son all alone, but it’s like it’s a crime for me to need some help so that I can meet my own basic needs (showering, eating, changing clothes, taking a nap). Moms are supposed to give 150% of themselves to everyone else and deserve nothing in return. This is the way that I feel mothers are viewed in our society.”
“It’s expected of moms”
Another mother’s response included, “Because society has given us this expectation of being perfect. It’s expected of moms to know how to handle their emotions, and care for their new baby.”
Related: The Secret to Faster Postpartum Healing: How to Bounce Back
“We ‘should’ know how to do everything.”
New moms are losing trust in themselves right away during postpartum. One mom responded, “We are taught to be independent and strong. We were taught that we have instincts for a reason, that we ‘should’ know how to do things because as a mother, it’s in us, which is true to an extent. And mothers fear not bonding properly with their newborns. Mothers are taught that they get their value and worth in what they do, how much they can do, how much they can do on their OWN without the help of anyone.”
“No one offers to lighten your load.”
Another sad truth about postpartum is that not many mothers are receiving the support they need. “People only want to take your baby, while you’re learning your baby and navigating postpartum. Then they make comments about your unwashed hair, untidy home, take-out meals, or incomplete tasks. But the baby isn’t the ‘problem,’ it’s the 19,283,729 things piling up around that no one offers to lighten your load with. Meanwhile, people come out of the woodwork to try to snuggle and hold your baby that you just gave birth to.”
“Mothers should do it all.”
The biggest sad truth about postpartum is when spouses are unsupportive. One mom shared her experience about needing support and being turned down by her own husband: “Currently dealing with this. Went to 3 urgent cares to have my baby seen. She was spitting up a lot. I called my spouse to let him know I wanted to drop the baby off at home afterward so I could take my niece home (she tagged along to calm the baby). He tells me, ‘No,’ because I should take the baby with me because I’m the mom and that’s my role. I was so pissed. I can’t stand when people play the ‘mothers should do it all’ card. He apologized. But I’m not ok. It’s not ok.“
Related: Sleep Deprivation and Postpartum: How to Get Through the Long Nights
How to Change the Sad Truth About Postpartum
Seeing all of the responses from mothers was discouraging. It made me curious about how to change these sad truths for all moms.
Make a Postpartum Plan
Before you become postpartum, make a plan with those in your life who would be able to help you with things like the dishes, laundry, cooking, etc. This will take the pressure off of you immediately following birth when everyone already knows what is expected of them.
If you are like me and hesitate to ask for help, confide in the person you feel most comfortable with and ask them to facilitate this for you. They can be the one to assign everyone to a task that would be most helpful for you.
Outsource
If you are able to, outsource house tasks. There are endless service providers who are willing to clean, cook, and even do laundry for you. You might even know a teenager or another mom in your neighborhood who is willing to come to your home for a couple of hours per day for $20-25 per hour to help you.
In addition, consider hiring a postpartum doula to help around the house. This person is also knowledgeable in postpartum and can therefore answer questions you might have about your healing or about your baby. If you can’t afford these services, consider asking for donations to cover the cost as a baby shower gift.
Related: Postpartum Brain Fog: What You Need to Know and How to Cope
Make Your Needs a Priority
In the end, you are the one who will need to advocate for yourself. This means you will have to be the one to set boundaries and make your needs a priority. Basically, you shouldn’t take “No” for an answer. Consider scheduling a time each day dedicated to taking a shower or going for a walk by yourself. Your spouse/partner will be responsible for caring for the baby so that you can get your break.
Communicate
If you don’t speak up, nothing will change. You have to tell others what you need, how you feel, and how they can help. Even the most caring person cannot read your mind. Communicate your needs effectively. This also means laying down hard boundaries with family and friends who may be causing you more stress. Your job is not to make everyone happy.
Instead, your job is to bond with your baby and heal yourself. If someone doesn’t like it, then they don’t have to be involved in your life, period. The boundaries you set are meant to protect you and your family. Be firm and intentional when setting them.
Share
Don’t bottle up your postpartum experience. Share it so that others feel empowered and encouraged to make changes for themselves. The change can start with you.
While there is much more information available today about postpartum compared to previous generations, mothers still need to make noise so that we can all learn and grow together. Change the sad truth about postpartum. Require society to change its expectations. Share your experience.
Related: Postpartum Mood Disorders: How to Assess Yourself for PPD
We Don’t Have to Accept the Sad Truth About Postpartum
The mothers who responded to my social media post about their sad truths about postpartum were brave in sharing their experiences. However, we don’t have to accept that these are normal parts of motherhood. They may be “common,” but they don’t have to be the standard.
Make the change today in your postpartum journey by using the tips above. If you are experiencing what other moms have shared in this post, you are not alone. Motherhood is hard, but it’s worth it. Keep advocating for yourself because when you thrive, so does your baby.
